Faith First

Self-castigation will not have the effect you desire; you cannot draw near to God by reviling yourself. You must partake of God's mercy rather than pleading for Him to be merciful. He IS merciful; stop begging Him to be what He already is. You do not have to pay penance. You do not have to analyze how you have gotten into your present state. You seem to believe that this analysis is necessary so that you can retrace your steps, but there is no going back. You cannot travel into the past; you cannot "have another go." You can only walk forward from this point in time.

You've come to believe that your heart can be reconciled to God through obedience. This is incorrect. Peace with God is possible only as you partake of the Holy blood of Christ. Obedience is a natural outflow of love for God. Nurture your love for Him and obedience will flow. No program of self-improvement will change your course of healing. God is the one who will heal you. You do not procure healing for yourself; you receive it as a gift.

Set your heart on things above and quit worrying about your circumstances. The day-to-day responsibilities God has allowed will take care of themselves; you cannot affect them either for good or for evil through worriment. Rest in the Lord. He is in your circumstances.

Your circumstances may have eroded your ability to obey, but they have not touched your faith. Obey out of love and gratitude to God, but do not seek to set up for yourself rules in an attempt to earn His favor. You can never come to Him through obedience; you come to Him through acceptance. Remember this one principle and your life will become one of unadulterated joy and freedom in Him.

Scripture: "...from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth" (2 Thessalonians 2:13).