It is not your job to cleanse yourself of sin.
Not only is it not your job, you are completely unable to do it!
This is the heart of your frustration and despair; you have failed repeatedly to purge yourself of the things you know are wrong. Thus you feel you have failed the Lord (and so you punish yourself by avoiding His comforting presence), but you are mistaken. It is safe to forget about yourself and to run into His arms. No preparation is necessary. Stop holding back and come.
You cannot get at the depth of your own sin; you can’t purge it from yourself. The Lord is not is not like a human lover; you need make no elaborate preparations in order to please Him. You best show your love for Him by coming just as you are. Are you sorry you have sinned? Tell Him! Cleansing comes not through striving to do better, but by yielding to His hand. Repentance is a cessation of effort, a confession of helplessness to fix what is wrong through your own effort. Redirect your efforts to seeking His face and to learning of His love for you. Obedience to God becomes possible only through relationship with God.
You have done a good job of loving your Lord. You want to prove yourself to Him; but it is not necessary for you to do so, because you’ve already done it once and for all time by accepting Jesus into your heart. When you accepted Jesus Christ, you participated in His Holy sacrifice: once, for all.
Good job!
Scripture: "He sacrificed for their sins once for all when he offered himself..." (Hebrews 7:27b).
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